I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
