Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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