just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
