Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
