I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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