you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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