someone threw a dead crab at me
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
