watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
