Don't make out with my wife yet
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize