i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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