Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
