I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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