one two three fourrrrnication!
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
