i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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