Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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