She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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