We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
