i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He has the fingertips of a God
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