I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
