im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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