I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
