So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
