I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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