3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
