remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
