So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
