he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
They have beer where we have blood.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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