the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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