we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize