the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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