OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize