I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
