If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
