Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Randomize
