We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
