Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Randomize
