i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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