I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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