If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize