I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
false alarm, still single
Randomize
