On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
