Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
