also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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