seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
