I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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