Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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