So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
