When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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