man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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