I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
