I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize