Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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