One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
