I bet he comes in French.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
