Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
God I need to hump something, right now.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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