I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
My vagina just clenched in fear
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
