He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
God I need to hump something, right now.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize