He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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