i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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