I think i peed on brittanys purse
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
