Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
