Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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