I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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