A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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