this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
