Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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