i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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